Those Advice from My Parent Which Helped Us when I became a New Father

"I believe I was just trying to survive for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

Yet the reality soon turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her main carer while also caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… every walk. The role of mother and father," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that helped him see he required support.

The simple statement "You aren't in a healthy space. You require assistance. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While people is now better used to discussing the stress on mums and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a larger inability to open up amongst men, who often internalise harmful perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It is not a show of failure to ask for help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental health is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a break - spending a few days overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he required a change to consider his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she needed" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without stable male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "terrible choices" when in his youth to change how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, confide in a friend, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, getting some exercise and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the challenges, as well as the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help is not failure - looking after you is the most effective way you can support your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead offer the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - processing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their issues, transformed how they communicate, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, sometimes I think my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning just as much as you are in this journey."