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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.